aproclivity

You know, I used to worry about the fact that EJ would kill herself after my mom dies, which according to the doctor is sometime within the year. Again. Yeah, again. But after seeing Brave today with both EJ and my mom and sobbing my way through it, I'm realizing that it's just not going to be as easy for me to handle as I've always thought it was. For the first time, I, myself am worried about how I'm going to respond to it.

Fuck I hate fireworks. They're always so loud. I hate things that are loud.

I hate lots of things right now, and I'm just frightened of lots of things too. I'm frightened of having this ultrasound tomorrow and having gallstones and needing another surgery to fix that. Surgery and I just don't go well. Every one I've ever had has had some sort of complication, including a staph infection and welp, going fucking blind. Going blind is far worse obviously. Also I'm worried about how my fibro is getting progressively worse and I'm needing to take more and more drugs to simply be able to function. I've graduated from a metric fuckton of ibuprofen to like ultracet which is a big drug. Thankful it's not an opiate so there's not the same worry of addiction, but there's still worries nonetheless.

My headaches are apparently cluster headaches, and drugs don't touch them, so there's really nothing I can do but fucking grin and bear it. I'm not suicidal or anything, but I can understand why they're also called "suicide headaches." They suck are like giant clamping pains in your brain. They suck and all I can do is hope this active period stops soon. Like really soon.

I'm worried about money too. Worried about paying for classes, worried about paying for my mom's funeral, worried about just everything. I'm just like this constant pit of anxiety lately and I don't know what to do with it. Normally I'd just throw myself into RP but right now it hjust seems like I suck and no one wants me and it's bad. I'm just wanting to curl myself up into a ball. If I'm not good at this than what the fuck am I good at.

I read an article the other day about how like so many people are screwed after going to law school, and that just makes me feel worse. I feel listless, directionless and hopeless. I'd like this to go away now. Please.

Well, I may have really stepped in it this time.

I haven't been updating lately, mostly cause I do twitter now, and because like I don't really think people read this anymore. I don't know. But yeah, things are so fucking bad for me right now. I have a civil liberties midterm due at 4 and I can't even get a word typed.

So much has happened in the last two months I don't know where to start. This is one of those things that totally floodgates. Two months ago, EJ was driving and a water bottle rolled out of the cupholder and ended up below the brake pedal and got jammed. She couldn't get it out and she ended up crashing into a tree. The car was totalled and it shattered my mother's ankle.

I was on a bus to New York at the time, and my sister called me crying hysterically, but there was nothing I could do. In the end my mom ended up in a nursing home. I had to make all the decisions, talk everyone into calm, get shit straightened out and what not. And I'd already been struggling with depression and this just made it worse. I just had a hard time getting things done.

Then last week (two weeks? ten days? The first day of Spring Break) my mom had been sick for like two days and nothing was helping her. Nausea and diarrhea, and the medications they gave her weren't helping. They took her to the hospital where they thought she had a blood clot.

It wasn't a blood clot. They did a CT scan and found masses in her liver, lesions in her lungs. It was so bad that on 8 o'clock on a Friday night an oncologist from the practice where my mom had been treated before came over to talk to my mom.

She was meant to have a biopsy on Friday, but they didn't stop her blood thinners in time. So instead I sat in the oncologists office with my mom listening to her explain how bad this was. And it's bad even though I've been trying to like... think it's not and reassure her it's not. They can't radiate the lungs, she's not a candidate to be treated medically (the Doctor doesn't know for sure, but she doesn't think so) and there are multiple lesions on both lungs.

So yeah, in the middle of this I've been trying to do the midterm for a class I love and I keep sitting and staring at the paper with my brain going "My mom is probaby dying of cancer, how the hell do I do this?" And I can't get anything done. I don't know what to do. I don't know if I can ask for an extension... I just don't know.

My sister has finally lost it, or is the process of losing it. I don't know. Things are bad here. For the past few months, there's been signs that her reality is different then ours. She says we say things we don't say, or remembers things that didn't happen... normally it's small things but there've been instances where it has been larger things. She was convinced that the Doctor told her that she needed to think of Johnathan as a "piece of flesh." That he "never was a baby." I mentioned it to Cindy, and Cindy said no, that the doctor was wicked pro-choice and someone who believes that life begins at conception. So she totally misheard what he was saying. She's refused to go back, and I think she's off her meds, but I can't be sure. EJ's got like... a whole huge contingent of mental stuff, including being bipolar and shit.

On Saturday, it was my nephew's third birthday. EJ and my mom went down there, because yeah. I didn't go (I had a migraine, and there was 20 kids there.) Two of my cousins have had babies since my sister lost hers, and my mother hasn't seen either of them. EJ can't handle being around babies. She won't go places like the mall or the movies because she's worried babies will be there. She won't watch Dexter because of the baby. Any movies with babies are banished. She's just been avoiding everything with a baby.

My mother has always been close to my cousin Eddie, and she hasn't seen the baby. At the party, he came over and put the baby in her arms and EJ just fucking lost it. She said that she told my mother that she wanted to leave (she didn't) and then she went and sat in the car and called me. She kept going on and on about how Jonathan was four months old "today." (This was Saturday.) Finally, as gently as I could, I said "No EJ, Jonathan's dead. He would have been four months old if he had lived, but he didn't." And she hung up on me. After I called her fifteen times, she just answered the phone with "You're supposed to make me feel better not worse!" And then hung up on me again. I called my mom then, and before my mom could walk across the lawn, EJ made our brother leave his son's party and drive her home.

When my mom got home, it was world war fucking three. My mom got into it with EJ, and then my Dad joined the fray. My sister said that she had told my mom that she wanted to leave, and she didn't, and then she couldn't wait for my mom to walk across the lawn... and then came the doosey. EJ told my mother that she was a traitor for holding a baby, and that she didn't care about EJ or her feelings.

WTF? Yeah. Because everything that's happened in the last four months hasn't been about her. That my mom has completely shunned anything with babies, and worst of all... that my mother doesn't care. My mother didn't fucking sleep at night until I came home, so that she could be there if EJ needed her. She has nightmares about performing CPR on a baby that's been dead for a week, and is covered in blood. She has fucking nightmares about seeing EJ's insides falling out. But no, doesn't care.

Things got bad and EJ stormed upstairs and locked her door. And then my parents started fighting and my mom picked up a plate and threw it at my dad where it hit the wall and shattered. I think he threw one back. All I know is that there was a shit ton of glass and tears and bullshit and I had to clean it up.

Yesterday was better, and then EJ went with my mom to see my mom's elderly friend Mary. I was on my way to see Amanda Palmer. (Awesome show, but sadly, I can't move today. Too much on my poor knee.) Apparently, while they were there, EJ lost it again and told my mother that she had promised never to hold another baby. My mom proceeded to lose it then, because she never would have promised that. They woke me up fighting about it this morning.

The sad thing is that EJ really believes all this happened. She believes my mom promised this, she believes that the doctor said that, she believes all this shit. And I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do and it's killing me. I just want to run away or do something stupid. The tension in my house keeps getting worse and it's smothering me, cutting off my oxygen. I just really have no fucking clue what to do. My mom's health is so bad, EJ's sanity is so bad and it seems like they're fighting against each other... I just don't know.

• 08:35 Hmm. I'm actually. *Gulp* Glad about the losing 11 pages thing. I have an entirely different paper concept based on fear and democracy. #
• 08:48 @Schonste booze always helps, randomly. And blueberries. #
• 09:09 @VegasWalkinDude Clearly, you just need to go and kill some people at twitter. #
• 09:24 @Schonste Mmm. Cinco de Mayo. #
• 12:46 Mmm. Mint tea goes so well with a rainy day. #
• 13:45 Is feeling very Nightwishy today. #
• 15:06 @Schonste Mmm. Now I want a burger instead of wings. Damn, that looks good. #

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• 08:26 yeah. A wasted day. Fuck. #
• 12:00 oh, but a nap sounds so good right about now. #
• 15:12 Crapspackle. #
• 15:34 @HappyRotter Oh crap. #
• 15:59 No. Bad open office. Bad! *cries* #
• 16:43 God. I hate everything forever. #
• 20:18 And the news that swine flu is possibly on the moho campus has killed the confesh. Come back, confesh! #
• 22:18 yeah, I appear to be dead now. Bed time and will finish presentation stuff in the morning and paperstuff tomorrow night. #
• 23:05 @SpookyDan Ooooh, so lucky! #

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• 09:34 @Trinora stab her in the eye. #
• 09:35 @VegasWalkinDude What about law school students? Do they get it? Or do they half get it, cause some of them still have some soul? #
• 09:38 Ugh. Slept later then I intended and had bad dreams. #
• 09:39 @Trinora True facts. #
• 09:43 I am going to shoot this stupid girl in the face. Seriously. God, why are girls stupid? I do not understand this. #
• 09:44 You have allergies. That is not the swine flu. Sorry. #
• 10:18 @Schonste bats are so freaking adorable. #
• 10:46 And JoJo sends out an email about swine flu. Cue more panic. #
• 16:31 Oh, so fucking kill Darth Vader. #
• 21:14 Is a sad panda. #
• 22:22 you and I? We're fucking done professionally. #

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I'm trying very hard not to think this is because I had hope that the calcium in my left eye could be taken out and I would be fine. Also, I feel very alone right now.

• 08:29 ugh why am I waking up every two hours again? #
• 09:29 @Schonste ...Me and my patch would fit right in. #
• 12:25 @Trinora OMFG, ME WHERE ALL BLACK? NO! #
• 13:36 I fucking hate, hate, hate smoke detectors. Stupid standing outside in the hot sun with the shrill noise. Head. Ache. #
• 15:29 I would like a thunderstorm now. #
• 15:56 @ihadtimetokill @molliekatie is there food? #
• 15:58 @ihadtimetokill I know. I was considering suggesting across the road or Blanch. God, this is twice this week when everything bites. #
• 16:04 @ihadtimetokill I have Senate at 7:30. #

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