aproclivity

My note from the universe today said:

When "bad" things happen to "good" people, Kim, it's often because they want to become even better teachers, guides, and helpers to those precious souls who will one day need them to be their rock.

Plus, today's bad is always tomorrow's boon, no matter who you are, no matter what has happened, and no matter how weak the coffee was.


I'm tired of bad things happening to good people, even if my position as a good person is always up for debate. I'm tired of dealing with this shit. I can legitimately barely move today, and I'm having a hard time even holding up my laptop. My arms and chest and legs just... don't want to move. It's like I'm needing to force the muscles and nerves double and triple hard to work together to form a cohesive bond. It's like there's this huge disconnect between everything in my body, and it's taking longer and longer to send signals between them.

And it hurts. It hurts so fucking much. It hurts to talk, to yell, to sing, to lift up anything, to type, to walk, to eat, to sigh, to sleep. All I want to do is sleep, but it hurts even to do that. Typing hurts and worse it's hard. Normally I can type in my bloody sleep, but right now... right now it's painful to press my fingers into the keys and it takes so long. Normally I type between 80-100 words a minute. Right now I'm probably averaging forty or so.

I'm still stuttering. It's worse later at night when I'm tired. It's so funny how the pain and the stuttering are connected. When one is worse, the other is worse too. It sucks. And I have to fucking pack and move in the next week and I have no idea how to do it. I don't think I should go back to school. I'm going, there's no doubt about that, but I really don't know if I should. I'm just gonna have to keep trying.

Ugh, keep trying. I'm so sick of needing to do that. I want things to be easy and smooth sailing. I just want everything to work. The speech therapist wants me to go to Boston, but I need to see my PCP before we can do it. I see her on Friday, which was the first appointment she had even though I called her on last bloody Monday when things started to get bad.

Keep getting worse. I'm very worried. I'm not like suicidal or anything, but like... I'm not having a good feeling of time at the moment. I'm sure it sounds melodramatic, but given how things have progressed in the last week... I think you'd feel the same way.

Oi. Well Obama just fucking handed the election to Mccain, didn't he? So fucking stupid. Worst decision ever.

I have had the hiccups for over an hour. WTF? They won't go away and I've tried everything. Fail.

So, I called the doctor's office yesterday and today to see when the fuck I'm supposed to have the sleep test. They ended up finally calling me back and telling me that they'll be calling me tomorrow (one week from when I've seen the doctor) with the study day which will probably be at least a month away which means at least five weeks before we hear whether or not this is what's wrong with me. So, at least five more weeks of this. I don't know if I can deal with it. Fuck, I'm crying. I hate this.

Things that fail? Registration. Like woah. Woke up early to do it and it's not letting me sign into any politics classes because I don't meet the preques. Thing is? I have like at least 12 politics credits that should count, and the one I'm taking now and it's just not fucking working. Which means I'm gonna have to go and bitch to the register and hope the classes don't get filled up. Fucking great. I so wanna skip class today and sleep. SO, fucking tired.

So, I have decided that the universe is telling me not to take a Politics seminar and Chinese and alliterations and yoga, so I'm taking a nice 200 level course instead. This means an English and a politics seminar in the Spring, but I'm okay with that. Also, Chinese is made of 10 am fail five days a week, but I have built in time to nap for an hour on Mondays and Weds and on Tuesdays and Thursdays I have yoga and then the rest of the day is free by 12, and free by 11 on Fridays. It sucks cause the only other time they're offering the class is right in the middle of when all of my other classes are. Fail. Maybe I'll move my schedule around some more to make it fit.

Yeah, this is a god damn rarity in my life: a good day. So, today all of the stuff with my professor not accepting my work got resolved...and I got a B fucking plus! Which makes my GPA like 3.6 or something. I also went and spoke to Weber, and he told me to turn SOMETHING in for credit and an A for my Henry James class, so I'm gonna be doing that tonight. I also spoke to Penny Gill, and she made me feel loads better. I also got nominated to be Vice-President of the FPSA and like...have decided for really sure, to stick it out and see what happens. I'm gonna join the paper with Steph, and like...do stuff and get the most of this experience.

So today is a good day NOT to die.

I'm going home. Mount Holyoke has decided that I am apparently not fit for heat or something, I dunno. It's cold, I can't breath, I broke my tea cup and everything sucks.

I hate being sick.

OH BEST NEWS EVER?

THE ONE 13 PAGE PAPER I MANAGED TO GET DONE FOR MY CLASS? WELL, IT ISN'T GOING TO COUNT! OOOPS. YAY AUTOMATIC "F"s.

I hate everything.

Heh, so today is Brigham's (my dorm) day to have tea with the president of Moho. We got an email last night about it and how like...appropriate blah blah blah? So, I totally forgot it and came in with another girl from my floor, swearing about the weather and how much school sucks...and we walked right past the living room and people looked at us, including JoJo. Whoops. It was quite fun, in a totally unmeaningful way. Oh well. Writing a paper now. Woot.

So, things I really wish I had at the moment? Heat. Apparently they did something when they were working on Safford, and now there is no heat here. I'm freezing and can see my breath. I was planning to stay here and work, but seriously, fuck that noise. I'm wearing my cloak and glove under my blankets waiting for my mom to come.

WTF?