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Jul. 4th, 2012 09:19 pmYou know, I used to worry about the fact that EJ would kill herself after my mom dies, which according to the doctor is sometime within the year. Again. Yeah, again. But after seeing Brave today with both EJ and my mom and sobbing my way through it, I'm realizing that it's just not going to be as easy for me to handle as I've always thought it was. For the first time, I, myself am worried about how I'm going to respond to it.
Fuck I hate fireworks. They're always so loud. I hate things that are loud.
I hate lots of things right now, and I'm just frightened of lots of things too. I'm frightened of having this ultrasound tomorrow and having gallstones and needing another surgery to fix that. Surgery and I just don't go well. Every one I've ever had has had some sort of complication, including a staph infection and welp, going fucking blind. Going blind is far worse obviously. Also I'm worried about how my fibro is getting progressively worse and I'm needing to take more and more drugs to simply be able to function. I've graduated from a metric fuckton of ibuprofen to like ultracet which is a big drug. Thankful it's not an opiate so there's not the same worry of addiction, but there's still worries nonetheless.
My headaches are apparently cluster headaches, and drugs don't touch them, so there's really nothing I can do but fucking grin and bear it. I'm not suicidal or anything, but I can understand why they're also called "suicide headaches." They suck are like giant clamping pains in your brain. They suck and all I can do is hope this active period stops soon. Like really soon.
I'm worried about money too. Worried about paying for classes, worried about paying for my mom's funeral, worried about just everything. I'm just like this constant pit of anxiety lately and I don't know what to do with it. Normally I'd just throw myself into RP but right now it hjust seems like I suck and no one wants me and it's bad. I'm just wanting to curl myself up into a ball. If I'm not good at this than what the fuck am I good at.
I read an article the other day about how like so many people are screwed after going to law school, and that just makes me feel worse. I feel listless, directionless and hopeless. I'd like this to go away now. Please.
Fuck I hate fireworks. They're always so loud. I hate things that are loud.
I hate lots of things right now, and I'm just frightened of lots of things too. I'm frightened of having this ultrasound tomorrow and having gallstones and needing another surgery to fix that. Surgery and I just don't go well. Every one I've ever had has had some sort of complication, including a staph infection and welp, going fucking blind. Going blind is far worse obviously. Also I'm worried about how my fibro is getting progressively worse and I'm needing to take more and more drugs to simply be able to function. I've graduated from a metric fuckton of ibuprofen to like ultracet which is a big drug. Thankful it's not an opiate so there's not the same worry of addiction, but there's still worries nonetheless.
My headaches are apparently cluster headaches, and drugs don't touch them, so there's really nothing I can do but fucking grin and bear it. I'm not suicidal or anything, but I can understand why they're also called "suicide headaches." They suck are like giant clamping pains in your brain. They suck and all I can do is hope this active period stops soon. Like really soon.
I'm worried about money too. Worried about paying for classes, worried about paying for my mom's funeral, worried about just everything. I'm just like this constant pit of anxiety lately and I don't know what to do with it. Normally I'd just throw myself into RP but right now it hjust seems like I suck and no one wants me and it's bad. I'm just wanting to curl myself up into a ball. If I'm not good at this than what the fuck am I good at.
I read an article the other day about how like so many people are screwed after going to law school, and that just makes me feel worse. I feel listless, directionless and hopeless. I'd like this to go away now. Please.
