aproclivity

Woke up with a headache again. Six days now. I'm sure my liver function is severely compromised and shit with all of the advil I've been taking. It's like...8000mgs a day. Which is bad. When I'm done with this paper, I'm not gonna read anything for a few days, and just spend the time sleeping or something. It just totally and completely fails being as I have this huge paper to write with all of these sources. Oh well, I'll get it done as best I can. There's nothing else I can do, really. Failure.

I have now had a headache for five days. It blows. I am, however nearly done with my politics paper, thank goodness. I just need to edit my story and print off the bazillion pages of my journal and then I'll just need to do my Dracula paper. Amy is my hero, however, and she has given me til Tuesday at noon if I need it. Hopefully I won't. Having a professor tell you that you suck is strangely liberating. It means there's no reason to really try. Woot for that.

So, I really want this. Like woah. I'm trying to decide if I should buy it or not. Cause it would be truly awesome. http://www.thinkgeek.com/geektoys/warfare/9bcb/ Hee.

Working on paper, doing some rereading of Dracula to be reminded of what, exactly I want to say.

So. Much. Finals. But I have now completed my first year of classes at MH. It's funny, cause there were so many places where I wasn't sure I was going to make it through the next class, never mind the next day of classes. It was rough, but I'm glad I did it. Watching all the stuff for the seniors has made me feel much better about my choice. And no matter how fucking bad my grades are, I will still have Mount Holyoke College on my diploma. And an awesome story to tell grad schools when they ask about my shitty grades. Heh.

I need to go home so I can download this fucking song and stop repeating it on youtube. Stupid music loss.

Also, I'm sad I woke up at 11:30. I'm gonna do some research and nap, I think.

So much teh tired. I really need to budget my time better and stick to it. I'm also so incredibly buggered. This paper is such shit, she's gonna hate it and I'm gonna get another C. Oh well. *Sighs* At least I'll have something to turn in. I hate it when you use a word so much you're totally convinced you're spelling it wrong. Colonialism. Yeah.

For one glourious day, I have a 4.0 at MH. I got an A on my two credit independant study. Clearly, he did not even read it. As for the other shit...what does a 2 credit A, a D and a C make? I so don't wanna know. Man, I wish I had done the James paper. Maybe I should say fuck doing the reading for class and like...do my HJ paper and see if he'll take it. But it's so much fucking work. Oy. I dunno. I don't care.

Things made of win at this moment: me. So, I finished my paper, kicked serious butt at it and then kicked butt on my writing class assignment. (That class makes me feel so superior.) On top of which, my professor was sick and the TA let us out early.

Random thing about it, she emailed me to talk to the TA in case the TA didn't get her email. It's weird...cause why me, ya know?

Other things that are awesome? Having dinner tonight with Steph at Okaka and then ice cream at Herrels. But first: nap. Napping is godly.

So, all that fucking goodness I was feeling about like....stuff? Like that I would go into the library and work on shit? I lied. I got another "C" and on my paper she just wrote about how my writing wasn't up to college level. I'm done. I just can't do this. I can't be a "C" student. I really am kinda fucking suicidal at the moment. I don't know what to do.

So, I'm editing this post to make me look like a bit less melodramatic, and to explain some shit more.

I have always been smart. It's the one thing I've always been to hold on through like everything with my grandmother, and the kids being fucks at school, and even when I was at my most batshit crazy I knew I was smart.

And now I don't feel smart anymore. Ever. I know like...I said I felt stupid when I started at MH, but I still got B+s on papers and stuff. And I felt like I wasn't being crushed under work once I got out of my Arabic class. But there is a direct causality between me going blind and me feeling stupider.

Six months later, and shit still doesn't work like it's supposed to. I fall all the time, I hit things, I'm constantly getting hurt because I can't get the difference. I was trapped home all weekend cause I can't drive. People are constantly making jokes about my eye patch, and little kids are scared of me. And like...I feel so stupid, cause I'm killing myself and still am only to get "C"s. That is the worst part of it for me....I've gone from having no effort at all, to like...having migraines and shit. I'm worried I'm becoming addicted to pain drugs.

And most of all, I just feel like hell. The one thing that always worked to make myself feel better about shit...just isn't working.

I have no idea what to do about any of it.

One ginamous paper? Fucking done. Whose the man? I'm the man. And I still have twenty-four hours to do the other ones!

Productivity. It's not all it's cracked up to be.