Fuck depth perception.

[aproclivity]

You know, I've dealt with this a lot. Like loads. Every couple of months the viscous in my eye decides to do some fooling around and moving and I get floaters kicking up and then I have panic and my heart jumps into my throat and I have the "oh god I'm going to go blind" panic.

It's not a panic that's unfounded. Since October of 2007, I've had nine retinal detachments or tears. The first one happened that year and was misdiagnosed so that when it tore super badly, it destroyed my macula and with it, any chance of my using both of my eyes normally. On January 11th, 2008 I found out that the weirdness that I thought was healing from the surgery was permanent and I'd need to wear a patch for the monocular double vision I was experiencing.

The timing is not lost on me.

Since then, I've had laser surgery eight times, normally in the same place in my eye. They go in, tack it down, then go in and go over the scar tissue. The last time it happened, the doctor told me that it would be another detachment and probably another banding within six months. It's been fourteen. I thought I'd dodged the bullet, even though that I knew going fully blind was an eventuality I needed to face.

I thought I got lucky. I mean, in ways I'm exceedingly lucky. I just got back from an amazing trip to England and I thought it'd be the first thing I blogged about once I got over the jetlag. But. Always a but.

On like Saturday night, I got like... this weird tightness in my eye and was sure that it was like getting a sty. It didn't hurt, just got weirdly tight. I didn't have any new flashers or floaters, so I assumed it wasn't like... a big deal. That'll teach me. Tonight while I was having dinner, I went to look at something, felt a pull and then suddenly there was a bunch of flashes, a large stream of new floaters and welp, all of my old fears coming to being. I'm going to see the doctor tomorrow.

It would be fine, but tomorrow my mom is having a shunt put into her heart to take care of a blockage. This means that my family is in complete disarray because the only emotion my father can ever express is anger, especially when he's fucking scared, and right now he's fucking scared. He keeps telling my mom that she's gonna die on the table and oh god I do not wanna live on this planet anymore.

I can't even express my concern to my family because like... welp they don't handle things well. So tomorrow after my mom goes in, I'm going to need to run down to like the doctor's and have them take a look and probably have more laser. This complicates matters, because after having so much fucking laser, it starts to do stuff. For example, I've lost half the vision in my good eye because of it, including the fact that it takes me a full minute to adjust to differences in light. Also, new floaters mean that my field of vision is even more crowded and ahahahahahaha let me take a language that is all sight based and starts in two weeks.

Add in the fact that I've got other things I'm worried about, and I'm a mess. I'm just worried and tired and feeling this overwhelming sense of hopelessness and loss. I don't even know. I've got doubts about things I've never had doubts about before and it's driving me mental and god I've no idea what to do. Blah.

Comments

[glazedmacguffin]

I'll be here however you need. I'm very impressed with you, by the way. I should say it more often, but it's true.

[selfindulgence]

I'm sorry this is happening; I wish I knew how to help. If you ever need anything, hit me up. Best of luck to you and your mom. I really hope things work out.

[aproclivity]

Thanks, man. *hugs*