(no subject)

[aproclivity]

I hate blind dreams. I hate them so much. I hate blind dreams when I wake up and it's dark and I can't see for a minute and think I'm blind for real. It just makes me want to ball up. Today was one of those days.

Up at five after going to bed around three. Brilliant that.

Panicking, I try to go back to sleep for a while. I hear noises right outside my bedroom door. Loud noises, heavy breathing. My mom is doing some lifting and unpacking which she's not supposed to do. And she's doing it before nine am so before EJ or I are awake. She's doing it to be sneaky. I flat out ask her if she wants to die again. And then I tell her that if she wanted to die, a razor would be quicker and would hurt less.

I'm just so tired of her not taking care of herself. I can't save her if she doesn't at least try. I can't save her at all.

And then she said that I wouldn't be the one to pick up the pieces. I've only been doing it my whole fucking life. Finally I said whatever, walked away and slammed my door like a teenager.

The only thing missing was some NIN.

So I panic even more, try to calm down, try and talk to her. She acts like it didn't happen. I can't focus on fuck all. It's taking me hours to do things that would take minutes, and I can't stop eating.

Everything is SO FUCKING LOUD HERE. The neighbors across the street had their base on so loud I could hear it even with their windows and mine closed, as well as with my ipod on. I can hear all the fighting, the hissy shouting, the screaming, the slamming of shit. There's no barrier between me and anyone else, and it's like... a raw nerve just being exposed to air and infection.

I feel infected.

I have to have surgery on my hand. I've got trigger finger on my left index finger, and I've got it badly, and I've got it starting on my middle and pinky. That's a little terrifying, because fuck me, what if I can't take sign language again?

I AM SO FUCKING SICK OF THE WALTONS. MY MOM WATCHES IT ALL THE TIME AND THE FUCKING VOICES ARE DRIVING ME INSANE.

Broke another pair of earphones. I have a headache and am freezing my ass off. Apparently the beginning of every month is going to be freezing as fuck or whatever.