Sigh not so, but let them go.
Nov. 15th, 2011 07:09 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
aproclivityYeah, I know I never post here anymore, and probably the only person who is going to read this are russian spambots, but I am just... I don't even know.
My cousin died. He was 31. He ODed in his bathroom on his wedding anniversary and his wife of two years found him. He was already blue. We'd thought he'd been clean for years, and he had been until he started using again.
He was only 31. I am 32.
Some of you have heard my story about why I don't drink gin. In short, when we were eleven (we were the same age for three months) My cousin and I drank a bottle of gin and got sick. We were both exceptionally fucked up. Our families were exceptionally fucked up. Every member of my family's generation have some sort of mental illness, be it depression, PTSD, Borderline, addiction issues, anorexia, bulimia or something else. Every one, and in large part it is due to my grandmother and my uncle. My cousin's father.
My grandmother was a very sick woman. Very sick. She didn't like me, so she locked me in a closet. She locked me in a closet almost every day for seven years. I am severely fucked up because of this. My cousin's father was implicit in this happening. He knew what she was doing and he backed her up on it.
When I was ten, I ran away. I tried to find some place where someone would listen to me about what was happening. My uncle beat the shit out of me and told me that I should be locked in a local orphanage. Or locked up in jail. He was exceptionally complicit in my abuse to such a point that the one time I fought my grandmother on what she was doing he broke two of my ribs and told me he'd have me locked in a nut house. When I was raped at eleven, he told me I deserved it.
Yeah.
I know I am a strong as fuck woman. I've overcome it. I've overcome loads. I went to a top 25 college despite being a high school drop out and suffering with severe depression (lol, a story about how when I was applying to Moho, my uncle flat out told me I was too stupid to go, and how people like me didn't go to Moho). I lost 2/3s of my eye sight over the course of my time there, including losing half of it at once my first semester. I graduated with a 3.499 (or will when I pass this class at HCC). I got into three out of the four law schools I applied too. I am strong as fuck.
When I am in his presence? I turn into that scared seven year old kid who internalizes everything. I shake. This weekend I have to go to my cousin's funeral and deal with all these people. I will have to tolerate hugs and gibes about why I'm not in law school now. I will get shit about how dare I go to Europe when my mom's so sick. I will be demanded to answer about when the fuck I'm going to get a real job and stop being such a drain on my family.
The family I support. The family I've been an adult for since I was eight. The one who handled landlords and phone companies and electric companies and the police when they came... The one who lied and did all sorts of things I really fucking shouldn't have done. Things that probably would have made my life easier.
I don't regret it, because these experiences made me who I am today. But I wish I wasn't so fucking loyal.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I don't want to do this. I really don't.
I hate these people (my extended family, not my immediate.) I hate being the adult and the caretaker for my family. I loathe it entirely. I never want to have kids because I've been a parent for twenty-two years.
I want to be done.
This week marks the fifth anniversary of the last time I ever saw something fully and proper. Also in this week we got a call from the cancer doctor about how they need to see my mom. And about how my mom needs a pacemaker.
Did I mention how when we went to have dinner with my brother on Sunday, he flat out asked my mom about her funeral arrangements and insurance? Yeah. That was fun. Not as fun as when my dad fucking lost it with me last night for not stopping him because it upset her.
I'm so tired. I'm tired of blind dreams where I wake up in total darkness and think I've lost what little sight I have left. And worse, I've started having closet dreams again when I'm trapped and people forget to let me out and I slowly starve.
I think that's why I'm so fat. I used to always eat extra because I was so worried she'd forget to let me out. Or not forget. Just leave me.
Anyway, yeah, context to shit going on right now. And why I'm so bad at the moment.
My cousin died. He was 31. He ODed in his bathroom on his wedding anniversary and his wife of two years found him. He was already blue. We'd thought he'd been clean for years, and he had been until he started using again.
He was only 31. I am 32.
Some of you have heard my story about why I don't drink gin. In short, when we were eleven (we were the same age for three months) My cousin and I drank a bottle of gin and got sick. We were both exceptionally fucked up. Our families were exceptionally fucked up. Every member of my family's generation have some sort of mental illness, be it depression, PTSD, Borderline, addiction issues, anorexia, bulimia or something else. Every one, and in large part it is due to my grandmother and my uncle. My cousin's father.
My grandmother was a very sick woman. Very sick. She didn't like me, so she locked me in a closet. She locked me in a closet almost every day for seven years. I am severely fucked up because of this. My cousin's father was implicit in this happening. He knew what she was doing and he backed her up on it.
When I was ten, I ran away. I tried to find some place where someone would listen to me about what was happening. My uncle beat the shit out of me and told me that I should be locked in a local orphanage. Or locked up in jail. He was exceptionally complicit in my abuse to such a point that the one time I fought my grandmother on what she was doing he broke two of my ribs and told me he'd have me locked in a nut house. When I was raped at eleven, he told me I deserved it.
Yeah.
I know I am a strong as fuck woman. I've overcome it. I've overcome loads. I went to a top 25 college despite being a high school drop out and suffering with severe depression (lol, a story about how when I was applying to Moho, my uncle flat out told me I was too stupid to go, and how people like me didn't go to Moho). I lost 2/3s of my eye sight over the course of my time there, including losing half of it at once my first semester. I graduated with a 3.499 (or will when I pass this class at HCC). I got into three out of the four law schools I applied too. I am strong as fuck.
When I am in his presence? I turn into that scared seven year old kid who internalizes everything. I shake. This weekend I have to go to my cousin's funeral and deal with all these people. I will have to tolerate hugs and gibes about why I'm not in law school now. I will get shit about how dare I go to Europe when my mom's so sick. I will be demanded to answer about when the fuck I'm going to get a real job and stop being such a drain on my family.
The family I support. The family I've been an adult for since I was eight. The one who handled landlords and phone companies and electric companies and the police when they came... The one who lied and did all sorts of things I really fucking shouldn't have done. Things that probably would have made my life easier.
I don't regret it, because these experiences made me who I am today. But I wish I wasn't so fucking loyal.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I don't want to do this. I really don't.
I hate these people (my extended family, not my immediate.) I hate being the adult and the caretaker for my family. I loathe it entirely. I never want to have kids because I've been a parent for twenty-two years.
I want to be done.
This week marks the fifth anniversary of the last time I ever saw something fully and proper. Also in this week we got a call from the cancer doctor about how they need to see my mom. And about how my mom needs a pacemaker.
Did I mention how when we went to have dinner with my brother on Sunday, he flat out asked my mom about her funeral arrangements and insurance? Yeah. That was fun. Not as fun as when my dad fucking lost it with me last night for not stopping him because it upset her.
I'm so tired. I'm tired of blind dreams where I wake up in total darkness and think I've lost what little sight I have left. And worse, I've started having closet dreams again when I'm trapped and people forget to let me out and I slowly starve.
I think that's why I'm so fat. I used to always eat extra because I was so worried she'd forget to let me out. Or not forget. Just leave me.
Anyway, yeah, context to shit going on right now. And why I'm so bad at the moment.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2011-11-15 09:20 pm (UTC)You are a wonderful, beautiful woman! You'll get through this!
*HUGS*
no subject
Date: 2011-11-16 12:54 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-11-17 04:26 am (UTC)I'm always there for you, give me a call if you need someone to vent to during the weekend.
PS (i'm a russian spam bot ;)
Love you!