So, all that fucking goodness I was feeling about like....stuff? Like that I would go into the library and work on shit? I lied. I got another "C" and on my paper she just wrote about how my writing wasn't up to college level. I'm done. I just can't do this. I can't be a "C" student. I really am kinda fucking suicidal at the moment. I don't know what to do.
So, I'm editing this post to make me look like a bit less melodramatic, and to explain some shit more.
I have always been smart. It's the one thing I've always been to hold on through like everything with my grandmother, and the kids being fucks at school, and even when I was at my most batshit crazy I knew I was smart.
And now I don't feel smart anymore. Ever. I know like...I said I felt stupid when I started at MH, but I still got B+s on papers and stuff. And I felt like I wasn't being crushed under work once I got out of my Arabic class. But there is a direct causality between me going blind and me feeling stupider.
Six months later, and shit still doesn't work like it's supposed to. I fall all the time, I hit things, I'm constantly getting hurt because I can't get the difference. I was trapped home all weekend cause I can't drive. People are constantly making jokes about my eye patch, and little kids are scared of me. And like...I feel so stupid, cause I'm killing myself and still am only to get "C"s. That is the worst part of it for me....I've gone from having no effort at all, to like...having migraines and shit. I'm worried I'm becoming addicted to pain drugs.
And most of all, I just feel like hell. The one thing that always worked to make myself feel better about shit...just isn't working.
I have no idea what to do about any of it.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
