Edited.

[aproclivity]

So, all that fucking goodness I was feeling about like....stuff? Like that I would go into the library and work on shit? I lied. I got another "C" and on my paper she just wrote about how my writing wasn't up to college level. I'm done. I just can't do this. I can't be a "C" student. I really am kinda fucking suicidal at the moment. I don't know what to do.

So, I'm editing this post to make me look like a bit less melodramatic, and to explain some shit more.

I have always been smart. It's the one thing I've always been to hold on through like everything with my grandmother, and the kids being fucks at school, and even when I was at my most batshit crazy I knew I was smart.

And now I don't feel smart anymore. Ever. I know like...I said I felt stupid when I started at MH, but I still got B+s on papers and stuff. And I felt like I wasn't being crushed under work once I got out of my Arabic class. But there is a direct causality between me going blind and me feeling stupider.

Six months later, and shit still doesn't work like it's supposed to. I fall all the time, I hit things, I'm constantly getting hurt because I can't get the difference. I was trapped home all weekend cause I can't drive. People are constantly making jokes about my eye patch, and little kids are scared of me. And like...I feel so stupid, cause I'm killing myself and still am only to get "C"s. That is the worst part of it for me....I've gone from having no effort at all, to like...having migraines and shit. I'm worried I'm becoming addicted to pain drugs.

And most of all, I just feel like hell. The one thing that always worked to make myself feel better about shit...just isn't working.

I have no idea what to do about any of it.

Comments

[danceswithbeans.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

college is all about jumping thru the hoops.

You are definately still smarter than many college grads I know, and really, I truly feel you are completely capable of finishing this degree at that college if you want to.

[ihadtimetokill.livejournal.com]

I am so sorry. You really don't deserve all this nonsense.

We all have phases like this, and everything will work out if you let it. I can't stress that enough...once you get to a point where you can allow yourself to stop worrying, and trust in yourself and your abilities to just pull shit out when you have to, it's...well, it's an amazing thing. It might not be much help, but I can tell you right now, you would not be here if you were not a smart kid. Being here kind of makes me feel like an idiot, too, but...we're in it for the long haul.

[pedestrian101.livejournal.com]

you feel dumb at mhc? welcome to the club! no one i know has come here and continued to feel like the smart kid or smart at all. i know i didn't and it freaked me the fuck out for over a year.
you don't get in here without being an intelligent woman. so just because you get a C on a paper doesn't mean it's not B+ or even A worthy somewhere else. not to mention all your other factors contributing to your undue stress.
i've learned to simply focus on me when it comes to doing well. i have adjusted what i consider to be acceptable for me and what's well done for me. it's helped.
i'd say don't worry too much about it. work with your prof and ask for constructive feedback. a lot of profs don't really have helpful feedback but sometimes they do.
good luck with your other stuff. you're a mount holyoke woman, which means you are strong and will get through the crappy times. remember that. :) i hope you get a good night's sleep and begin feeling better in the morning. see you in class.